crafting what i want for 2015

i have big plans for 2015 which can only mean one thing…they probably will not live up to the hype and expectations i have for those plans. that’s not necessarily a bad thing. during 2014 i have learned that subjective, random, pulled-from-the-air goals are not the key to finding my way to real happiness and satisfaction. there’s always the initial high from reaching your goal, but then you’re focused on achieving the next level.

i want my plans to be enduring to continue throughout 2015 and potentially through the rest of my life (i know that is a long time). my plans need to be open-ended and they need to focus on areas where i truly want to make changes. i need to be motivated by real interest not by trends. i also want my plans to be about building up and adding instead of being restrictive and taking things away.

above all, however, i know what my number one plan for 2015 will be: drink more tea!

a lot of my philosophy for crafting my 2015 comes from one of my favorite people on the internet, jess lively. check out her site to learn more about crafting a life with intention.

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i’m an adult…i think

today i did a lot of adult activities. i researched auto insurance, transfer of car title, and fsa reimbursement. whew! that’s a lot of “adulting.” it’s still a growth process.

even though i’m in my mid-20’s (closer to 30 than 20), i still feel very much like a little kid wandering around without supervision. i have a job that pays…ok…and i have my own apartment (with a roommate) and we split the utilities and rent. i pay for my food and buy my clothes. i go out with friends occasionally and go out with my boyfriend. i also vote, pay for my own gas, pay for my car maintenance. i am, for all intents and purposes, an adult.

however, i am also an only child and i live about 2 miles from my parents. my mom still cooks me dinner, my parents still take me to the movies, my parents still give me financial help on occasion, and sometimes my mom does some of my laundry. my parents have helped me out and continue to provide a lot of assistance and advice whenever i am in need. does that make me less of an adult?

being a responsible, successful adult is a learning process that continues to develop and grow over time. i know some people catch on more quickly for whatever reason, and maybe if i wasn’t an only child or if my parents were different types of parents i would have been forced to “grow up” at a much quicker rate. part of entering a new year for me means really jumping for those adult goals, really embracing those parts of life that are not as pleasant, that are more procedural, that are more responsible.

next year, best year?

it seems like every year i try to make resolutions that are practical and easy to stick with. every year they fall by the wayside. honestly, i try to hold myself accountable for the things i want to achieve in the new year, but i stop holding myself accountable mostly because life happens during the year. events pop up, new people walk into your life, job situations change, feelings change, basically the way the year starts is never the way it is at the end of the year or even one month into the year.

you say you want to go on a diet, get thin, get fit. and for the first couple of weeks you’re vigilant about eating healthy food, lots of fruits and veggies. you go to the gym at least three times a week. but then you get invited to a dinner party or out for drinks or a steak dinner, and all of a suddenly every opportunity to socialize with friends to share a meal with family, everything becomes an excuse to forget your resolutions for a night. like scarlett o’hara says, “tomorrow is another day.”

but i like making resolutions, i like the idea of thinking about the improvements i want to make in my life, the ways i can become a better version of myself. usually my resolutions are usually along the lines of losing weight, saving more money, not shopping frivolously, reading more, hanging out with my friends more. this year i’m trying to take an approach that is modeled after jess lively’s intention-based approach.

i don’t want my resolutions for 2015 to be so goal and results oriented. i don’t want one of my resolutions to be “lose 10 lbs.” i want my resolution to be more focused on the idea of health, fitness, and exercise as a whole. i want it to be focused on using the tools i have at my disposal to boost my overall wellness. i want to use my fitbit more proactively, i want to use my bike trainer with more regularity.

i really believe that 2015 has the potential to be a great year. the best year? well, i don’t know. i don’t think it’s fair to really classify one year as a best year. there are good things that happen every year along with some pretty shitty moments. some years really stand out for their great moments, but they all have their ups and downs. i wouldn’t trade anything that happened in 2014 for anything in the world. but i am very encouraged by the potential for greatness in 2015!

so, who am i?

asking myself who i am is more complicated than deciding how to introduce yourself to a new acquaintance at a dinner party. it’s more than saying, “hello, i’m lacey. i am in my late 20’s. i live in l.a., and i work as an assistant manager at a coffee shop.” that is all true, but they are very blunt facts about me. there is almost nothing there that would inform anyone about my hobbies, passions, interests, and that’s hard because i frequently don’t know myself.

i am a very private and guarded person. i can be difficult to read and i know that i am often seen as frigid and snobbish. over the years i have made it very hard for other people to get to know me. a lot of that comes from social anxiety.

but really, who am i? to start at the beginning, i am lacey. but my name tells you almost nothing. it cannot tell you anything about me. hearing my name out of context brings up a lot of ideas and imagery: feminine, graceful, old-fashioned, lacey, the 80’s tv show “cagney and lacey.” when i think of my name, i don’t see these images, these ideas, i see me. i am me. i am lacey.

i am in my late 20’s. i know i am still so young, that i still have so much in front of me. but my age does not define my personality.

i live in l.a. geography is so much a matter of chance. i was born and raised here, moved around a tiny bit for college and after graduation, but eventually found my way back here. but, like i said, it’s a matter of chance for me. if i had been born and raised in another city, i’d probably be sitting in an apartment there writing this. over the years, i have come to love and appreciate more and more my city, but i don’t believe that it defines me.

i work at a coffee shop. yes, that does mean that i do love coffee and tea. that part is true. but is that a personality trait? i’m not sure. it’s not really a passion, i have no desire to work forever in the coffee industry. when i first began working for my company, the job quickly wound itself together with my personal life and became a huge part of who i was. this lasted for a number of years. in the past year or so, growing frustration with the company and a rediscovery of an actual personal life has made it very easy for me to separate work from real life. i am a different lacey at work, a projection of what customers want to see that is almost in no way identifiable to the me in real life. work is work. my job is my job. it is not me.

i am still figuring myself out. i am still getting to know myself. as 2014 comes to a close, there is so much that i have learned about what does not define me.

what is this about?

for a while i now, i’ve really felt called to write more. i’ve been reading more blogs in 2014, and i really love the idea that bloggers have found an avenue to express themselves and their passions.

i have so many ideas jumbling around in my head. i read stories and i have opinions. i discuss books, movies, current events with my friends and co-workers. sometimes while i’m working or driving or out shopping alone i have ideas and opinions. i think critically about subjects of interest to me. however, this almost always happens when i’m away from my laptop and unable to put these ideas down on paper. my intention is always to come back to my laptop and write down these thoughts, write a thoughtful blog entry. however, when i get home, i usually forget what i had been thinking about or i get tied up with other errands or i end up binge watching netflix.

i end up never writing these entries. on the rare occasion i think of something worth writing and i’m actually near my laptop i find it hard to concentrate my ideas, focus and keep my thoughts organized. i end up on long tangents that are unrelated or only loosely related to what i had originally wanted to write about. in addition, i suffer from high anxiety and low self-confidence. i want what i write to be perfect, even though i know that’s not the point. i start and restart sentences dozens of times before finally abandoning my efforts to put the metaphorical pen to paper.

i think part of my issue is that my views of blogs have really been shaped my bloggers who mostly blog about one subject. they have a specific focus and angle that serves as their guiding point and really guides their writing. but i don’t know/have one specific passion. also with my anxiety issues i find it hard to convince myself that if i have anything unique to add to the subject. cooking and baking…there’s a thousand blogs already on the subject. fashion…there’s fashionistas out there strutting their stuff all over the internet.

honestly, i don’t know if i want to be pigeon-holed. i know on every blog i read, there are occasional times when bloggers write about something different, but for the most part, people stick to what they’re known for.

i suppose some of these thoughts of self-doubt and anxiety come from a fantasy that i will have a widely read blog, tons of comments, companies contacting me for advertising and promotional partnerships. while that would be nice, to have a blog where i can write about what i want and make money to support myself from that adventure, i mostly want to have a blog where i can regularly come and write. even if no one stops by to read.

so, who am i and what do i want to say?