so, who am i?

asking myself who i am is more complicated than deciding how to introduce yourself to a new acquaintance at a dinner party. it’s more than saying, “hello, i’m lacey. i am in my late 20’s. i live in l.a., and i work as an assistant manager at a coffee shop.” that is all true, but they are very blunt facts about me. there is almost nothing there that would inform anyone about my hobbies, passions, interests, and that’s hard because i frequently don’t know myself.

i am a very private and guarded person. i can be difficult to read and i know that i am often seen as frigid and snobbish. over the years i have made it very hard for other people to get to know me. a lot of that comes from social anxiety.

but really, who am i? to start at the beginning, i am lacey. but my name tells you almost nothing. it cannot tell you anything about me. hearing my name out of context brings up a lot of ideas and imagery: feminine, graceful, old-fashioned, lacey, the 80’s tv show “cagney and lacey.” when i think of my name, i don’t see these images, these ideas, i see me. i am me. i am lacey.

i am in my late 20’s. i know i am still so young, that i still have so much in front of me. but my age does not define my personality.

i live in l.a. geography is so much a matter of chance. i was born and raised here, moved around a tiny bit for college and after graduation, but eventually found my way back here. but, like i said, it’s a matter of chance for me. if i had been born and raised in another city, i’d probably be sitting in an apartment there writing this. over the years, i have come to love and appreciate more and more my city, but i don’t believe that it defines me.

i work at a coffee shop. yes, that does mean that i do love coffee and tea. that part is true. but is that a personality trait? i’m not sure. it’s not really a passion, i have no desire to work forever in the coffee industry. when i first began working for my company, the job quickly wound itself together with my personal life and became a huge part of who i was. this lasted for a number of years. in the past year or so, growing frustration with the company and a rediscovery of an actual personal life has made it very easy for me to separate work from real life. i am a different lacey at work, a projection of what customers want to see that is almost in no way identifiable to the me in real life. work is work. my job is my job. it is not me.

i am still figuring myself out. i am still getting to know myself. as 2014 comes to a close, there is so much that i have learned about what does not define me.

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